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in the end sunday left me anyway...
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10/18
as i was driving home my mind began to wander. it always does. i think the car is the best place for me to really honestly think. what i thought about was the past few weeks. how random and hectic they have been. i guess i could complain, but i think i am more blessed then anything. the weeks consisted of everything to do with comas, to attempted suicides, to loosing my best friend, my dad getting stuck in NY, and missing a lot of school and a hurricane hitting. its hard to realize its only been a few weeks. not even....
its hard. i am about ready to break down. but i guess i cant. that would be out of character. i pray for Aaron everyday. that he will wake up. its just a coma i tell myself. he has to wake up. and then my mind get selfish and i think i have no one to hang out with if he dosnt wake up. and who else is going to make my boyfriend jealous? but on the other hand i am very grateful i met aaron. he has been a true friend. and i know he will continue to be when he is done sleeping. as for the suicide. i dont even know this guy to be honest. we talked a few times and told me he was going to help with the tori project 2000. and he said this to me :
newmuzikman: good.. can i tell you something even though now is probably not the time
TOMATOCREW: sure
newmuzikman: i stuck a gun in my mouth the other day and tried to kill myself
TOMATOCREW: why?
newmuzikman: cause i hate this world.. i tihnk i may always
TOMATOCREW: no
its a shocker. what online can do to you. you wind up caring about people you never looked in the eye. and you wonder if they are fucking with you. i have had people call me their best friend on here. i have had people " fall in love with me" i even talked to people who wanted to die. but this was too much. i couldnt tell him there were days i didnt want to wake up. he was obviously seeking help. and i felt worthless. in a sad way i guess i understood. how life can become too much sometimes. i think i couldnt have handled the situation a little better. but at the time i did my best.
if i start writing about chad, my best friend, it could turn into a novel. i just know i will never be this close to anything again. and i want to look back with fond memories.i dont think i want someone to make me feel like he did. it was too good. if past lives are real i am sure me and chad shared more then a few. although we cant be best friends anymore.....the connection between us will never die. but i understand this is for the best. we make eachother cry. and we just cant be 100% jellybeans 100% all the time. this is the first time i am walking away from someone who hasnt died. i hope i am doing the right thing.
as for this hurricane that hit. i dont care. its sad people died and di am very sorry for their families. but this shit just happens too much here. i didnt have electricity. and it was real hot. but i just went to sleep. it was nice lowell stayed with me. it was kind of nice we got trapped in. it was dark and hot so we fell asleep naked.when we woke up the store had passed. and he went to work. and so did i. i just wish the ground didnt get so beat up. and the houses and flooding. thank god it wasnt higher then a 1.
life. dear life. its been strange. i find myself in the oddest situations. but i guess i am there cause its who i am. i wish everyday could be a good day. i wish every smile could be real. i wish i had that closeness with a person again. i wish i didnt cry so much. i wish i could have 5 old friends back.
something kind of cool happened yesterday. i dont know what will happen with it but here is what happened:
i was online fixing my profile. so i did a search for " perks of being a wallflower" and i was going thru all the profiles to look at quotes. and i found this kids profile and he seemed pretty cool. so i randomly imed him. and we had this great talk. the vibes were great. it was kind of freaky tho. well we talked again and he was very nice. the convo went like this:
tarsagain: ::sigh::
Sykodelik3: You are amazing, you really are. You are the most amazing person I've ever met.
Sykodelik3: I would applaud you if I was in person.
starsagain: how can you say that?
Sykodelik3: It's like you're not even real. Like you came out of no where, share this really deep conversation with me, and then prevent a suicide.
starsagain: i just got mean with him.
i cant explain it. any maybe that wasnt a good example. but he made my insides feel good.its been a while since my insides smiled. other good stuff that has happened is me and kevin have gotten remarkably closed since he moved. its strange what distance can do to the fate of friendships.
as for my internship i think its going to land me a great job soon. i am excited. after all this bad stuff, i need somethign great. well i am out. this is all for today.
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there is a lot to say here. but i am not going to use names when i say it. you will know who are you. your a fake. a cheaply replicated imitation of what i was when i was 17. unfortunately your not pulling it off too well. cause i know. i remember...everything. you and your lilith fair ways. your worshiping of fiona apple and veruca salt. you never even knew what i was up to. you slowly crept in. so sly. you studied everything about me. you tried to pull it off, you still try. but you dont. your not even close. you tested yourself in my car with the tapes i listened to. and you went home and tried to be like me. as sad as it is, its true. everything i do, you seem to copy. and i am real sick of it. your old enough now to be yourself. yet you insist on trying to be me. i say this with total confidence. you challenge me. and you fail. writing it down and looking at it makes is so much more true. you think your so great at the things you do. your not. your so simplistic and generic. you copy the world and expect to get praised. people say imitation is the best form of flattery. i am embarrassed to say i worked you into my world. you would think you could get a job that didnt do exactly what i do for once. maybe listen to some music that i didnt introduce you to. get some friends with out mentioning my name. try to be yourself for once. and about your ego and your rudeness. its beyond tolerable i dont know what your out to prove, but your never going to get a friend like that. you try too hard to walk on people and be better then them. you constantly lean on them, but if a person needs you your too busy. you take take take and never give back. you study life as though it were in a text book. its hard to respect you as a person. you take trends as though they were your life long friend and wear them out. the words you speak are so over exaggerated, half the time i don't know if your mixing up reality with your dream world. the lies to tell to glorify your most embarrassing moments. for example; begging to do things for people and then telling me they begged you. trying to get with little band boys, then accusing me of being the slut. you try so hard to be something your not. i challenge you to find a friend, not on AOL, not from the haven i brought you to, but on your own. i challenge you to find true happiness, instead of pretending you are happy. i challenge you to live your life, instead of leaching off mine. stop telling me who your friends are, stop telling me what CDs you just bought, stop telling me your popular this year. i dont care. i graduated from high school more then two years ago. stop trying to bring me to your level. you know who you are. your in shock right now, i know. but its the truth. so stop name dropping me. its more then me that knows what a fake you are. when people are good to you, you dont know what to do with yourself. i dont believe you had the nerve to request money from me for parking. do you even remember how far out of my way i went for you? and then you get in my car and tell me how to drive. and in your car you almost hit someone and i tell you to watch out, you have to nerve to yell at me? the only way to describe you is bitch. im sorry i wasted so much time on you. cause thats what you are.....nothing more then a waste.
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